Things To Do Before I Die

Bucket List. Let me start off by saying I hate that phrase. Call me old-fashioned but I was brought up with the “Things to Do Before I Die” list. The first time I actually heard Bucket List was when I saw the trailer for that mildly entertaining movie in which Morgan Freeman didn’t narrate or play God for the first time since the 1991 Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (…tell me you watched that whole video…I did). Everybody loves this guy. With his kind face and those specks of mud I want to scrape off his cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good actor, but not quite the “chameleon” the media makes him out to be. He’s always playing some serious sage who has the weight of the world on his shoulders. He can play an authoritative ruler or an oppressed yet authoritative peasant—either way he is steadfastly just and morally correct. And then that smile creeps across his face when he breaks character and steals a cookie from the jar, oops, how cute!

See: Invictus, The Dark Knight, A Raisin in the Sun, Bucket List, Evan Almighty, Batman Begins, War of the Worlds, Bruce Almighty, Deep Impact, Amistad, Se7en, Outbreak, Shawshank Redemption, The Power of One, Robin Hood (these are just the ones I've seen...or could take a pretty damn good guess about, ahem...a raisin in the sun).

And recently, there’s been the I’m-old-now-so-it’s-cute role which has been simply timeless and adorable. Other movies pulling this romantic-comedy stunt and getting away with it: Meet the Fockers, Grumpy Old Men, Coccoon, and anything in the last 10 years with Robin Williams. Why can’t all men grow old like Willis, Rourke and Eastwood? Anyway, you can see my disgust for the ‘Bucket List’ phrase.

Here are some other things I'm not fond of due to their associations:

• Beanie Babies because I first saw them in McDonalds Kid's meals.
• Marylin Manson because of the goth trend he pioneered.
• Polo shirts because of people like this.
• Crocs because of those same people.
• Wearing sandals in winter because of those same...well, this needs no explanation.
• Michael Jackson because of Japan's obsession.
• Billy Blanks for the same reason.

Anyshit, I found this list in the caverns of my slowly-expiring, AARP-aged computer. I revised it and crossed off the ones I did. But, since Blogger doesn't support 'strikethrough' I used bold. Of course, I had to censor the numerous R-Rated entries…and I’m not talking gentle Christina-Ricci-rating, but I am talking Christina-Ricci-sexual-encounter-frequency. Without further ado, here is my edited Bucket List.

1. Climb a building
2. Punch a politician
3. Be a contestant on Supermarket Sweep - Every contestant who participated in the final supermarket sweep race failed in my eyes. I could do so much better.
4. Start a band that has at least an e.p.
5. Own a dog
6. Have two children
7. Have a successful marriage
8. Hold a stickbug
9. Successfully carve a large wave (in Hawaii?)
10. Be able to jump and get fingertips on a basketball rim
11. Read the unabridged Moby Dick - i recommend it
12. Read Dante’s Inferno - halfway there
13. Read the Bible
14. Live in Hawaii or Australia
15. Be able to do 5 flares in a row while breakdancing
16. Participate in Nick's spontaneous riot - my old roommate
17. Go to Chicago, California, Canada, Egypt, Japan, and Paris
18. Hitchhike - Japan, baby!
19. Skip a stone all the way across a lake
20. Road trip to California
21. Go through with a senior prank - lost the chance
22. Make a piece of art worth selling
23. Write a book
24. Hug random people in a city
25. Successfully pick a door lock
26. Jump off cliffs into water - Samoa, baby!
27. Spend a few days in a ballin' tree house
28. Revise this list a while down the road
29. Get sponsored for skateboarding - Almost 25 now...I think I'm past my prime on this one
30. Sport a Mohawk - Boom!
31. Have a girlfriend with sleeves
32. Write and direct a funny b-movie
33. Quit Myspace - 4/13/10
34. Date a girl that has a girlfriend
35. Own a Rabbit
36. Go skydiving, and none of this guy-on-guy nonsense. That doesn't count.
37. Have a girlfriend with dreads
38. Go on an archaeological dig
39. Ride a Bullet Train - Japan

Now, if I had some more control of my life, I'd actually start pursuing some of these goals. Someday, someday.