Japlish Friday - Horny Care

Apparently, they offer the total package. Anyone else make reservations?

The problem with the mistake on this shop window is that this shop may never know it—unless of course some amused ex-pat or tourist informs them.

What image was this shop really looking for? If you look up "horny" in in English you find that it also means "strong" or "callous" similar to "rough hands". If you look up "horny" in Japanese you probably find that it has a relation to "keratinized skin" in that it needs to be exfoliated. 

Hence, HORNYcare = exfoliation treatment.

Japlish Friday - Jesus

What's going on? This kid has no clue. (photo)

Having taught English in Japan in the Jet Program for 2 years, I have seen my fair share of "Engrish" shirts. The same way that some otaku in the US wear shirts with Japanese kanji (which probably translates to gibberish or is printed backwards), the Japanese have English shirts. The only difference is, of course, that for the most part Japan loves American culture, fashion, and they even think our English words look cool on their shirts...regardless of what it says.

In honor of the prevalence of this hilarious cultural burp, I present to you the first of my new weekly set "Japlish Friday". If you didn't already guess, Japlish is a mixture of Japanese and English. Kinda like "Spanglish". I know it's kind of a stretch here. Deal with it. Enjoy

Shit Japanese Students Say (Video in Japanese)

To be honest, I'm actually getting kinda sick of the "Shit ____ Say" videos. Everyone and their mother thinks they can join in and make something just as funny as the first. "All of my cheerleader friends are going to love this movie." We all know that is not true and that's why this craze is really starting to drag some of us down. If you a) aren't funny and b) have little to no experience with camera, lighting, filmography, etc. then don't upload your horrible videos.

For example:
Shit Christians Say to Jews
Shit Boston Guys Say
Shit Social Media Experts Say
Shit Ballerinas Say
Shit People Who Make 'Shit People Say' Videos Say
(That last one pretty much sums up this whole fad)

This video, though, is well thought out and actually funny. It's made by a current English teacher in Japan who has a bunch of videos for learning English (and they're kinda interesting). Check him out here on Youtube.

Having been an English teacher in Japan I can attest for most of these as being on the money. Japanese students love to complain about things: how impossible English is; how bored they are; and they will sometimes waste class time talking about "cute" things or using Japanese-sounding English (Engrish) to say something that's not even related to your lesson. Of course, these are all just stereotypes of certain kinds of students.

Some of my favorite in this video:
Hayaku owarou. - Let's finish early.
Kawaii deshou. - Isn't this pretty?
Ii naa. - I wish that was me. (like when other kids get stickers for actually knowing English)
and also the kid yelling "sensei", waving his arm and tapping his chest

English Education in Japan (and Why It Doesn't Work)

English is muri.

So, rounding up two years teaching English here on an island in Hiroshima, Japan I have a few things I like to say about the failing English system in Japan. As a JET some think I will swoop in to a town and everyone will speak English fluently. Others look at the track record of English programs and how little has improved and are already guessing the fateful outcome. The problem is that there isn’t such a definitive correlation between native English teachers in Japan and “successful” students. (The quotes are there to question what success means in Japan which is based on the short-term goal of written tests scores—you can already see how the road to success has become rather complicated).

Wait, native English teachers don’t really affect the English system in Japan? Well, I’ve tried my best (and did a damn-good job) getting students enthused about English learning while pushing students to understand the absurdity of those of their classmates that are unmotivated to learn or even try in class. Also, for students that are truly motivated, I give them special attention in and out of class to reinforce their English and praise their success. Furthermore, I’ve paid special attention to phonics and native English patterns to teach such points that normally go under the radar of traditional education. But my method only goes so far in terms of molding perfect English speakers. 

Seriously though, all interests should be encouraged.

In fact, when I leave the class and when the student goes home that day and for the whole week (or two) I don’t see that student he is flooded with the Japanese language and usually only English that has undergone the 5 vowel-sound transformation of Japanese. So when I teach “How is the weather today?” the students are learning by environmental reinforcement to change it to “Hau isu za weza- tude-?” One teacher can only influence so much. Imagine if outside of Japanese class, students had no one from which to learn or hear native Japanese. Then everyone would realize how little class actually does to reinforce the subject. How much trigonometry or chemistry do you actually remember? Not much if you’re not currently in a field related to one of those subjects. 

Wait, there are plenty of opportunities to learn English outside of the classroom:

In my opinion Japanese is taught rather poorly in Japan. Sure, it’s enough. And sure, there are Japanese intellects birthed from this system that excel in grammar, seem to know every kanji and are specializing in archaic Japanese. These students are exceptions which occur with no help from said educational system. Well then, why can everybody speak Japanese in Japan? It’s pretty obvious that considering a student’s family and community already speak fluent Japanese that each student has constant reinforcement of a subject that is under-taught and overestimated. Again, it’s enough, and even not-so-bright students pop out of the system with fair language skills. Evidence of this is in dialects like Hiroshima-ben which aren’t exactly cool dialects (considering old people love using it) but some people can’t stop using a dialect which their community and family has taught them.

The other reason a native English teacher in Japan has no weight in the educational system of Japan is that a lot of times their suggestions (and gripes) go unheard. Case in point: I talk with my team-teaching teacher about next year’s text book. I suggest choice E even though it is a little challenging because A and B (the normal choices teach in a way I think would confuse the students, while choice C is way too difficult, and D has grammatical errors (come on, you can’t start a sentence with “and”…and you’re teaching this to 7^th graders?). So even though I have influence my team-teaching teacher, and her in-depth report makes it to the principal, there seems to be an interruption before the recommendation hits the Board of Education (which further elucidated the excess of Japanese paperwork that gets stamped and goes overlooked).

Good luck to all you new JETs!

What happened to my good intentions? I spent nearly a full day reading through textbooks A to E and made intellectual recommendations based on my two years working in Japan. Maybe the B textbook company has given the BOE a can’t-be-beaten offer for their 2011-2012 set (which hasn’t changed much since the previous year). Or maybe they just stuffed some money in their pockets. The truth is the BOE has little connection to actual schools even though they make all the final decisions concerning education. So, even though there are continual gripes about education such as the lack of focus on English speech, the focus remains on writing and nothing can be changed. (Our students need good test scores, you know.) When I push a little I am met with such responses as, "The problem is that English is just really difficult." What they have neglected to say is, "English is a language just like Japanese. So it's reasonable that we teach them in the same rote methods."  Yappari. 

The Japanese: Cute and Physically Fit

Here are some super-genki pre-schoolers. photo

This time of year happens to be the time for Sports Festivals at most (if not, all) schools in Japan. (It really irks me that an outdoor sporting event like the Japanese Sports Festival would happen to coincide with the beginning of the rainy season. But that's another topic.) So, when I say "all schools", I mean all schools from high school on down to nursery schools. Everyone spends about a month practicing strange events. (If you're a little lost now, please refer to my Undokai Article—if only for the pictures...)

Every Friday I travel to one of my farther elementary schools to teach English.There is a nursery school right across the street. From where I sit in the teacher's office, I can hear when all the little nursery kids are outside playing. Now, you may or may not know that I love kids, especially the little ones. I gush over the new first graders that when given a chance to ask me any question can't seem to form a complete sentence or ask a real question. It goes something like this:

Teacher - Okay kids, now you can ask Mr. Dan anything you want. What food does he like? What's his favorite color? Let's find out!
Me - Ummm, you! (pointing to one of the serious-yet-seriously-interested face kids).
1st Grader - What's your favorite bug?
Me - Hmm, I like butterflies and ants! Okay, next...you!
Next 1st Grader - (stands up, pushes his chair in) I go to English class on Wednesdays.
Me - Oh really?
Teacher - That's not a question. Nice try. Remember, ask Dan-sensei a question.
Me - Ok, you, in the back!
Another 1st Grader - This morning, I woke up and my dog was barking at the. (sits down with blank expression)
Teacher - That doesn't make any sense. We can understand what you are trying to say. Okay, hmm... Kotaro, ask Dan a question.
Kotaro - Do you like bugs?

I guess my problem here is with the teacher. Either that or the confines of my job. I just wanna lay down on the floor and help these kids build a block castle while they tell me about their barking dogs.

This kind of conveys my feelings.

But this scene is very low on the adorable scale when compared to nursery school kids participating in Sports Day. They have their little reversible red or white hats on. They march like dandy little soldiers with their arms swinging higher than their heads. There's always a few kids that are either just too young or they forget everyone is watching them so they tend to drift off into la-la land and/or pick their nose. This is especially funny when the gun sounds for a race and one kid is left standing at the starting line until the teacher scrambles out on the field and gives him or her a push in the right direction. And that's not to mention when the kids finally does start running it becomes obvious he hasn't exactly fine-tuned his motor skills yet and is still about 5 years off from understanding the concept of "dork". So, his strides are way too high and wasteful while his small arms (ending in plump fists) pump in strange directions.

I could just squeeze that kids cheeks till they split open. Out of love, of course.

So, every Friday, sitting in the teacher's room, I can here those little romper-stompers lining up for the pre-Sports Day stretch. Now, it may be important to know that Japanese schools seem to be underfunded, and nursery schools seem to be in an even worse position financially. You can tell this by the Dumbo-like character statues planted in the playground right next to jungle-gym equipment that make John Travolta (circa Saturday Night Fever) seem like someone from I-Robot. This school also has a fantastic metal slide from the second floor balcony all the way to a sandbox in the playground. (I haven't seen this used, though, so I'm guessing it was outlawed along with lawn darts and the Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab which included uranium ore).

So, of course, their warm-up/stretching song is this little gem called "Hoto Poppo" maybe from the 1950s or 60s. Please, indulge in this throwback, and imagine it blaring at unsafe sound levels out of scratchy speakers.

Pigeon Coo Coo

(roughly translated)

Coo, Coo Coo
Pigeon coo, coo
If you like beans
Come down
Let’s eat altogether

Coo, Coo Coo
Pigeon coo, coo
If the beans are delicious
Eat one and fly away

You might not have noticed, but everyone is laughing because these brave actors are mimicking little preschool kids. Now imagine that song with these kids:

Now what's funny about warm ups like this is that it's not just cute little grade-schoolers and toddlers doing these stretches. In fact, they're quite common in the Japanese workplace. Here, a bunch of construction/factory workers (?) warm up with their work belts on.

And this next clip is of the business man variety with the most popular "Radio Calisthenics" which used to be broadcast every morning (it might still be).

 Go Go Japan! Stay Genki! Let's healthy body! This concludes the Japanese lesson. Bow. Thank you.

The English Education Debacle in Japan

Yeah, try reading the Japanese.

          Japan spends a lot of time pushing students to learn English and setting the standards high.Why is English so important in Japan? Well, Japan wants to keep up in the world economy, and the best way to do that would be to follow America. This may have recently become even more crucial considering China surpassed Japan in the global race. So what might Japan’s reaction be? Pushing students to study harder to pass high school and college entrance exams that focus on only written English. And how does a JET like me react to this? We complain and try to stress verbal English, conversational English, native pronunciation, etc. 

Us JETs meet with brick walls when first confronting Japan’s rote-memorization educational style. Opinions are not welcomed in the classroom and even with the recent stress on group work, teachers seek correct answers, not creative thought processes. Also, in groups, I find that students are as speechless as before because of such a drastic change in environment. How does a student maintain interest in something if his opinion isn’t valued—if he has nothing to add, nothing to stimulate his thought processes. Students will lose interest or revert to rote-memorization if they are silenced. I know for me, that I have trouble learning Japanese words and phrases that don’t relate to my life. But, man, was it so easy to learn to talk about music, skateboarding and food—my current interests.

            Anyway, this detrimental cycle turns round and round again, and we are left with educated adults that can only mutter broken English phrases (and any other mis-phrases learned from television) despite their years of hard work copying English sentences and also despite the government money spent on such undertakings. So, unless a student has great preservation, interest in English, and the right teachers, connections, and native English resources the student will blossom into an adult with the average English comprehension the current education guidelines should be steering away from. 

An English cram school poster

            A quick-fix to this problem is something I realized recently after attending a JET conference. If most students will forget most of their English after graduation, why don’t we focus more on culture? After all, isn’t culture equally as dividing as language to a country seeking globalization? I think back to my Spanish, German and French classes since Jr. High School. What do I remember besides “Yo quiero Taco Bell,” the real pronunciation for “Volkswagen”, and “Un, deux, trios…”? Well, all the culture, of course. We learned about different attitudes toward punctuality, different foods in each country, holidays, clothes, etc. These interesting pieces of cultural knowledge have been more beneficial to me than learning, “Hay uno gato en mis pantalones,” or foreign curse words I learned from my friends. My Japanese students might not remember how to use the past subjunctive tense, but they will surely remember big American pizzas, the long 3-month summer break in the states, and the Christmas spirit their JET teacher exuded every year. If English teachers aren’t keeping the students interested, they are not following one of the most important English education guidelines covering elementary to high school.

Spanish people have accents in America, but we generally understand them. But then there is the issue of racism and pigeonholing immigrants of certain ethnicities into low wage jobs, no medical coverage, and any other way companies can make a buck. French people have accents in America, and we generally understand them. We don’t necessarily have a bias against the French in America, and so generally a French person can be hired according to his skills and English ability—with no glass ceiling. 

So, for the not-so-quick fix, I suggest the government pave the way for young English students rather than bringing out the whips. Ultimately, their goal is to be able to communicate with English speaking cultures. So why don’t they take some money from their diminishing foreign language funds and throw it ahead of students instead of behind them. The possibilities here are endless, but what about helping Japanese culture flourish in America? Promote cultural centers, and foot the bill for the American public. This kind of thing is happening now but only on a very small scale. 

Also, maybe they can buy some sort of media space or air time to speak English with a Japanese accent. I’m not talking about promotional commercials. I’m talking about some sort of informative cartoon series about Japan. Send it to America for free. Give Japan a voice. Think of the influence America has on Japan through TV. Spongebob, 24, House, not to mention Harry Potter and most of our cinema hits. Then, think about the absence of popular and influential Japanese programming in America. Power Rangers, Pokemon, Godzilla, MXC—some of these may be popular but they are definitely not an influential, “cool” image of Japan. If we can easier understand the thick Japanese accents, then the burden of education would be lifted off the current round-peg-in-square-hole system. Japanese students would have a more positive attitude toward English if using it in a foreign country stopped seeming like an impossibility. 

The general internet community's image of Japan, Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

I know, as an average American, I was unaware of the importance of such a country as Japan. Concerning Japan, I think most of America thinks, “Yeah, it’s really far away and the language is really hard. Don’t they have like a million letters? Oh, they have really weird pornography, too.” This sounds funny even for me to write, but these are the current avenues through which Japan is reaching America. I’m sure this isn’t the message Japan wants to send. Why not mend the image. If Japan’s image seemed more important, more culturally diverse, more interested in America, then their image would shine a lot more than current result of being the butt-end of a few ignorant jokes.

But like I said, the confidence in English education is dropping off. The JET program is on the chopping block, while smaller, cheaper, yet less supportive English teaching programs are becoming more popular. The strong support, network, and knowledge of a program like JET is just what Japan needs to foster culture exchange—even if the direction is from the English teach in Japan back to his home country.  The large JET community in America is working wonders for Japan’s image, through conferences, books, education, and even just conversation. (Most JETs are stand-out members of society so the impact of their message is that much stronger.)

America has global power; Japan has health.

So, why should Japan invest in an area that has been failing for years? Maybe the real problem is not the students’ interest in English, but the government’s interest in English. In this case, we have reached Solution #3. Let English education fall by the wayside to meet changing budgets. Japan won’t have to worry about English anymore, but they also won’t have to worry about being important in the global sphere (unless creating some form of massive global demand for Japan and/or its products). 

Well that’s it. The answers seem so simple, so clear. Maybe I have oversimplified the problem. What are your thoughts?

How to Catch One's Death

So, it’s winter and I’m beginning to loathe the 20 minute scooter rides to my farthest school. I step inside and before I de-layer, I stand by the space heater for a few minutes trying to resuscitate my hands and ward off hypothermia. The other teachers (who drove ten minutes max. in their heated cars) agree, “Samui!” It’s cold. But then they step away from the space heater and sit down waiting for the morning meeting like normal human beings. I try to avoid causing a scene with my intense shivering while I sit down with fogged glasses. Also, I’m still wearing my scarf, one set of gloves and my jacket. “Baiku wa samui ne!” Yes, Kawamoto Sensei, it’s very cold for me because I ride a scooter over the mountain. That means half of the ride is in the windy shade. So you can stop the small talk. I get it, you want to be friends. This conversation stopped being fun last winter.

Now, really, I like to complain, but I’m not overdoing it when I say it’s extremely cold in my schools. Central heating—only poor people don’t have it in America. Why don’t you guys have it? Oh, here’s one reason. The Japanese like to leave the doors open to let the germs out. So, in the dead of winter, when we are allowed to turn on the space heaters, the front doors are still wide open. That’s fun. “It also lets the fumes out so we can breathe fresh air.” Hey, Tanaka Sensei, we wouldn’t have to worry about toxic fumes if we had central heating. 

One especially cold day about a week ago, I asked in the teacher’s room when we could turn on the heat. The teacher’s searched each other's faces for permission as if they were toddlers asked to eat the cookies from the cabinet; can we really do that? Most schools have strict rules about using the space heaters. It must be so-and-so degrees before considering using the space heaters. For most schools, this is below freezing.

HEATER USAGE RULES

1.      Children can’t turn on the heat at their own convenience.

2.      If it’s less than 12°C (53.6°F), you may turn on the heat.

3.      If it’s less than 20°C (68°F), you may ready the heaters.

4.      If you are leaving the class, turn off the heat and open the windows to ventilate.

*If you don’t follow these rules, just know we have been known to ban heater usage.

So, on this especially cold day, I watched one of my 9^th grade classes freeze outside playing softball for gym. (You remember those days in gym class where you forgot to bring winter clothes--your skin deathly white, your posture either that of a hunched, flexing caveman or Billy Banks trying to warm up, and a cold, awkward baseball glove on your hand...you remember that feeling?) Most students had only their undergarments and their cotton athletic jumpsuit. I’m guessing this has something to do with the strict uniform policy. The average Japanese person is much better suited for the cold than I am. Maybe it’s because my lack of body fat. In the dead of winter, it’s not rare to see students with skirts and stockings, shorts, and those thin white indoor shoes (standard uniform) sometimes without socks. I walk around with four shirt layers. “Look, why is Dan Sensei wearing a scarf?” It’s because the temperature in the hallways is the same as outside. Now put some socks on or you’ll catch your death, too.  

So about these shivering 9^th graders…We have English class together right after their gym class and some of the students look troubled. Shivering, sneezing fits, a few coughing outbursts. We have central heat in our middle school, but only in the classrooms, and only when it’s truly cold enough, and maybe after a certain date (which means not yet). After the class, I asked the other English teacher about the sickly students. “Can’t we turn on the heat?” After a long discussion he mentions that, oh yeah, he remembered hearing a few complaints that they couldn’t hold their pens to write. Wouldn’t that be a hint to turn on the heat? 

Well, let’s just make sure the sick students wear the surgeon masks. And, for the sake of prevention, you healthy students should wear them too. And if the influenza spreads as rapidly as it did last year (did you ever see the movie Congo?) we can cancel classes again.

Addictive Personalities

When I first heard the term "addictive personality" it was from a high school girlfriend who heard it from her shrink. Needless to say, she had some problems, and caused some problems for me. Maybe that's an understatement. Upon hearing this term, I thought my girlfriend had mixed up the words.

"What do you mean you have an addictive personality?"

Well, that was what her psychiatrist said.

"Yeah but what the hell does that mean? I don't see people flocking to hang out with you."

No, she gets addicted to things easily.

"That's horseshit."

Now, I wasn't upset about the fact that my girlfriend had addictions to various things. No, that was old news. What I was upset with is this ass-backwards psych terminology.

It's as if a bunch of recent psych grads were sitting around naming personalities.

"Shy."

"Crazy."

"Ooh, good one, Marcus. Addictive."

"Addictive?"

"Well yeah, someone who gets addicted easily..."

"Well, why don't we just say that? Someone Who Gets Addicted Easily."

::sigh:: "Because, Trent, it won't fit in the easy-to-read graph we're putting in the next Psych 101 book."

"Oh, I see."

And that was the last question asked about it.

Let's refer to Mr. American Heritage.

1. Causing or tending to cause addiction: an addictive substance.

2. Characterized by or susceptible to addiction: an addictive personality.

Number two is the polar opposite of number one. How can one word mean two opposite things? It's as if someone confused cretin had some strong influence over Merriam Webster. You know that second definition must have been added much later than the first one. Moreover, probably sneakily added.

"Ahem, attention. Attention, please. These are the following words to be added to next year's Silver 1950 version of the Oxford Dictionary. They are as follows:

"Crankshaft

Freeze-dry

Weeble-Wobble

Microwave

Cantankerous

Ant-i-bi-otics

Zamboni

and addictive persahumphh.

That will be all"

"Mayor, wait! What was that last one?"

"Didn't you hear me?! Addigmdn persmdmfphh. No more questions."