Japlish Friday - Ass Man

Now you can say all you want about how the Asians have funny English words and phrases on their shirts unbeknownst to them.

But I'm pretty sure this Japanese guy bought this shirt with some knowledge of the words and their meanings. Maybe, the tight pants will get him the women he wants...the women with the right kind of derrière (because he is a rump connoisseur). Or, maybe his tight pants accentuate his own glutes and he's proud of them. Not that there's anything wrong with either.

For some reason, I'm leaning toward the latter explanation.

Japlish Friday - Sorry We're Open

This English is so bad it teeters on the edge of an ironically funny t-shirt, or even a fashionable one. If you can't read the smaller writing between the two Indian hands, it says "YOU ARE WELCOME".

"Sorry, we're open, you are welcome." The fact that this is printed on a shirt and displayed in the shop window on what seems to be in or close to the center of a shopping district (see: pedestrian traffic, brick pavers) seals this as a definite product of Japan. And by "product", I mean it is birthed of Japanese culture.

In no way do I say this out of spite or ill-will. In fact, I have come to fully embrace Japan's loose usage of English to the point that this horrible mash-up of an incorrect sign and an English phrase book preliminary makes me reminisce of my time in Japan. That fact that these two phrases are probably one of the first few phrases a foreigner in the the US would learn, this shirt almost becomes かわいい, or "cute", in the Japanese sense. For these reasons, I would wear the crap out of this shirt.

If you have any qualms with my hypothesis that this is indeed a Japanese location, refer to the store banner in the reflection that in clear katakana says コンタクトレンズ, or "contact lens".

Update: I have been informed a sign with this written on it is in the US, too. I'm not sure which came first, though. Anyone?

Japlish Friday - foriegn ladies who wait in the road

(photo)

This one's not so bad. I get it. No hookers. Don't bring hookers inside this place. You couldn't really disobey this sign and then say you didn't get the gist of it without looking like an ass.

This sign is probably on the outside of a Japanese love hotel. And, in this dodgy area, I'm sure the foreign hookers wait on the road to get business from drunken guys leaving bars and izakayas. Although Japan is generally a very safe, community-like place, I would be sure to steer clear of the dodgier parts of the city at night. These can be recognized by the abundance of flashy lights, crowds of young drunken people, countless bars, izakaya, and liquor stores, and the general cheap and/or suspect looking massage parlors and love hotels.

It may be interesting to note that the Japanese are usually pressed for alone time. Many young couples looking to get intimate utilize love hotels as if they were a vending machine. In fact, many of the love hotel electronic room choice boards resemble that of a vending machine.

Japlish Friday - Stuff Only

Stuff Only! (photo)

So apparently there is only "stuff" allowed here, but to confuse people even more, "stuff only" is inside the prohibition sign meaning that furthermore, "only stuff" is not allowed here. So maybe if there is a little bit of stuff and a little bit of something else, it would be OK. Make sure to ask the stuff...staff about this one.

If we peek into the Japanese realm here, it says "koko yori saki wa nyuujou dekimasen" or, "No entry beyond this point." After more consideration, you might have been able to connect this to "Staff Only"...and hence, the answer behind this riddle.

Japlish Friday - Horny Care

Apparently, they offer the total package. Anyone else make reservations?

The problem with the mistake on this shop window is that this shop may never know it—unless of course some amused ex-pat or tourist informs them.

What image was this shop really looking for? If you look up "horny" in in English you find that it also means "strong" or "callous" similar to "rough hands". If you look up "horny" in Japanese you probably find that it has a relation to "keratinized skin" in that it needs to be exfoliated. 

Hence, HORNYcare = exfoliation treatment.

Japlish Friday - Jesus

What's going on? This kid has no clue. (photo)

Having taught English in Japan in the Jet Program for 2 years, I have seen my fair share of "Engrish" shirts. The same way that some otaku in the US wear shirts with Japanese kanji (which probably translates to gibberish or is printed backwards), the Japanese have English shirts. The only difference is, of course, that for the most part Japan loves American culture, fashion, and they even think our English words look cool on their shirts...regardless of what it says.

In honor of the prevalence of this hilarious cultural burp, I present to you the first of my new weekly set "Japlish Friday". If you didn't already guess, Japlish is a mixture of Japanese and English. Kinda like "Spanglish". I know it's kind of a stretch here. Deal with it. Enjoy

Shit Japanese Students Say (Video in Japanese)

To be honest, I'm actually getting kinda sick of the "Shit ____ Say" videos. Everyone and their mother thinks they can join in and make something just as funny as the first. "All of my cheerleader friends are going to love this movie." We all know that is not true and that's why this craze is really starting to drag some of us down. If you a) aren't funny and b) have little to no experience with camera, lighting, filmography, etc. then don't upload your horrible videos.

For example:
Shit Christians Say to Jews
Shit Boston Guys Say
Shit Social Media Experts Say
Shit Ballerinas Say
Shit People Who Make 'Shit People Say' Videos Say
(That last one pretty much sums up this whole fad)

This video, though, is well thought out and actually funny. It's made by a current English teacher in Japan who has a bunch of videos for learning English (and they're kinda interesting). Check him out here on Youtube.

Having been an English teacher in Japan I can attest for most of these as being on the money. Japanese students love to complain about things: how impossible English is; how bored they are; and they will sometimes waste class time talking about "cute" things or using Japanese-sounding English (Engrish) to say something that's not even related to your lesson. Of course, these are all just stereotypes of certain kinds of students.

Some of my favorite in this video:
Hayaku owarou. - Let's finish early.
Kawaii deshou. - Isn't this pretty?
Ii naa. - I wish that was me. (like when other kids get stickers for actually knowing English)
and also the kid yelling "sensei", waving his arm and tapping his chest

English Education in Japan (and Why It Doesn't Work)

English is muri.

So, rounding up two years teaching English here on an island in Hiroshima, Japan I have a few things I like to say about the failing English system in Japan. As a JET some think I will swoop in to a town and everyone will speak English fluently. Others look at the track record of English programs and how little has improved and are already guessing the fateful outcome. The problem is that there isn’t such a definitive correlation between native English teachers in Japan and “successful” students. (The quotes are there to question what success means in Japan which is based on the short-term goal of written tests scores—you can already see how the road to success has become rather complicated).

Wait, native English teachers don’t really affect the English system in Japan? Well, I’ve tried my best (and did a damn-good job) getting students enthused about English learning while pushing students to understand the absurdity of those of their classmates that are unmotivated to learn or even try in class. Also, for students that are truly motivated, I give them special attention in and out of class to reinforce their English and praise their success. Furthermore, I’ve paid special attention to phonics and native English patterns to teach such points that normally go under the radar of traditional education. But my method only goes so far in terms of molding perfect English speakers. 

Seriously though, all interests should be encouraged.

In fact, when I leave the class and when the student goes home that day and for the whole week (or two) I don’t see that student he is flooded with the Japanese language and usually only English that has undergone the 5 vowel-sound transformation of Japanese. So when I teach “How is the weather today?” the students are learning by environmental reinforcement to change it to “Hau isu za weza- tude-?” One teacher can only influence so much. Imagine if outside of Japanese class, students had no one from which to learn or hear native Japanese. Then everyone would realize how little class actually does to reinforce the subject. How much trigonometry or chemistry do you actually remember? Not much if you’re not currently in a field related to one of those subjects. 

Wait, there are plenty of opportunities to learn English outside of the classroom:

In my opinion Japanese is taught rather poorly in Japan. Sure, it’s enough. And sure, there are Japanese intellects birthed from this system that excel in grammar, seem to know every kanji and are specializing in archaic Japanese. These students are exceptions which occur with no help from said educational system. Well then, why can everybody speak Japanese in Japan? It’s pretty obvious that considering a student’s family and community already speak fluent Japanese that each student has constant reinforcement of a subject that is under-taught and overestimated. Again, it’s enough, and even not-so-bright students pop out of the system with fair language skills. Evidence of this is in dialects like Hiroshima-ben which aren’t exactly cool dialects (considering old people love using it) but some people can’t stop using a dialect which their community and family has taught them.

The other reason a native English teacher in Japan has no weight in the educational system of Japan is that a lot of times their suggestions (and gripes) go unheard. Case in point: I talk with my team-teaching teacher about next year’s text book. I suggest choice E even though it is a little challenging because A and B (the normal choices teach in a way I think would confuse the students, while choice C is way too difficult, and D has grammatical errors (come on, you can’t start a sentence with “and”…and you’re teaching this to 7^th graders?). So even though I have influence my team-teaching teacher, and her in-depth report makes it to the principal, there seems to be an interruption before the recommendation hits the Board of Education (which further elucidated the excess of Japanese paperwork that gets stamped and goes overlooked).

Good luck to all you new JETs!

What happened to my good intentions? I spent nearly a full day reading through textbooks A to E and made intellectual recommendations based on my two years working in Japan. Maybe the B textbook company has given the BOE a can’t-be-beaten offer for their 2011-2012 set (which hasn’t changed much since the previous year). Or maybe they just stuffed some money in their pockets. The truth is the BOE has little connection to actual schools even though they make all the final decisions concerning education. So, even though there are continual gripes about education such as the lack of focus on English speech, the focus remains on writing and nothing can be changed. (Our students need good test scores, you know.) When I push a little I am met with such responses as, "The problem is that English is just really difficult." What they have neglected to say is, "English is a language just like Japanese. So it's reasonable that we teach them in the same rote methods."  Yappari. 

The English Education Debacle in Japan

Yeah, try reading the Japanese.

          Japan spends a lot of time pushing students to learn English and setting the standards high.Why is English so important in Japan? Well, Japan wants to keep up in the world economy, and the best way to do that would be to follow America. This may have recently become even more crucial considering China surpassed Japan in the global race. So what might Japan’s reaction be? Pushing students to study harder to pass high school and college entrance exams that focus on only written English. And how does a JET like me react to this? We complain and try to stress verbal English, conversational English, native pronunciation, etc. 

Us JETs meet with brick walls when first confronting Japan’s rote-memorization educational style. Opinions are not welcomed in the classroom and even with the recent stress on group work, teachers seek correct answers, not creative thought processes. Also, in groups, I find that students are as speechless as before because of such a drastic change in environment. How does a student maintain interest in something if his opinion isn’t valued—if he has nothing to add, nothing to stimulate his thought processes. Students will lose interest or revert to rote-memorization if they are silenced. I know for me, that I have trouble learning Japanese words and phrases that don’t relate to my life. But, man, was it so easy to learn to talk about music, skateboarding and food—my current interests.

            Anyway, this detrimental cycle turns round and round again, and we are left with educated adults that can only mutter broken English phrases (and any other mis-phrases learned from television) despite their years of hard work copying English sentences and also despite the government money spent on such undertakings. So, unless a student has great preservation, interest in English, and the right teachers, connections, and native English resources the student will blossom into an adult with the average English comprehension the current education guidelines should be steering away from. 

An English cram school poster

            A quick-fix to this problem is something I realized recently after attending a JET conference. If most students will forget most of their English after graduation, why don’t we focus more on culture? After all, isn’t culture equally as dividing as language to a country seeking globalization? I think back to my Spanish, German and French classes since Jr. High School. What do I remember besides “Yo quiero Taco Bell,” the real pronunciation for “Volkswagen”, and “Un, deux, trios…”? Well, all the culture, of course. We learned about different attitudes toward punctuality, different foods in each country, holidays, clothes, etc. These interesting pieces of cultural knowledge have been more beneficial to me than learning, “Hay uno gato en mis pantalones,” or foreign curse words I learned from my friends. My Japanese students might not remember how to use the past subjunctive tense, but they will surely remember big American pizzas, the long 3-month summer break in the states, and the Christmas spirit their JET teacher exuded every year. If English teachers aren’t keeping the students interested, they are not following one of the most important English education guidelines covering elementary to high school.

Spanish people have accents in America, but we generally understand them. But then there is the issue of racism and pigeonholing immigrants of certain ethnicities into low wage jobs, no medical coverage, and any other way companies can make a buck. French people have accents in America, and we generally understand them. We don’t necessarily have a bias against the French in America, and so generally a French person can be hired according to his skills and English ability—with no glass ceiling. 

So, for the not-so-quick fix, I suggest the government pave the way for young English students rather than bringing out the whips. Ultimately, their goal is to be able to communicate with English speaking cultures. So why don’t they take some money from their diminishing foreign language funds and throw it ahead of students instead of behind them. The possibilities here are endless, but what about helping Japanese culture flourish in America? Promote cultural centers, and foot the bill for the American public. This kind of thing is happening now but only on a very small scale. 

Also, maybe they can buy some sort of media space or air time to speak English with a Japanese accent. I’m not talking about promotional commercials. I’m talking about some sort of informative cartoon series about Japan. Send it to America for free. Give Japan a voice. Think of the influence America has on Japan through TV. Spongebob, 24, House, not to mention Harry Potter and most of our cinema hits. Then, think about the absence of popular and influential Japanese programming in America. Power Rangers, Pokemon, Godzilla, MXC—some of these may be popular but they are definitely not an influential, “cool” image of Japan. If we can easier understand the thick Japanese accents, then the burden of education would be lifted off the current round-peg-in-square-hole system. Japanese students would have a more positive attitude toward English if using it in a foreign country stopped seeming like an impossibility. 

The general internet community's image of Japan, Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

I know, as an average American, I was unaware of the importance of such a country as Japan. Concerning Japan, I think most of America thinks, “Yeah, it’s really far away and the language is really hard. Don’t they have like a million letters? Oh, they have really weird pornography, too.” This sounds funny even for me to write, but these are the current avenues through which Japan is reaching America. I’m sure this isn’t the message Japan wants to send. Why not mend the image. If Japan’s image seemed more important, more culturally diverse, more interested in America, then their image would shine a lot more than current result of being the butt-end of a few ignorant jokes.

But like I said, the confidence in English education is dropping off. The JET program is on the chopping block, while smaller, cheaper, yet less supportive English teaching programs are becoming more popular. The strong support, network, and knowledge of a program like JET is just what Japan needs to foster culture exchange—even if the direction is from the English teach in Japan back to his home country.  The large JET community in America is working wonders for Japan’s image, through conferences, books, education, and even just conversation. (Most JETs are stand-out members of society so the impact of their message is that much stronger.)

America has global power; Japan has health.

So, why should Japan invest in an area that has been failing for years? Maybe the real problem is not the students’ interest in English, but the government’s interest in English. In this case, we have reached Solution #3. Let English education fall by the wayside to meet changing budgets. Japan won’t have to worry about English anymore, but they also won’t have to worry about being important in the global sphere (unless creating some form of massive global demand for Japan and/or its products). 

Well that’s it. The answers seem so simple, so clear. Maybe I have oversimplified the problem. What are your thoughts?

The Horn as a Curse Word

Japan is the land of humility, modesty and downplaying one’s own abilities. Uniformity is the key in a country where “the nail that sticks up gets hammered down.” This is very evident in school assemblies, business attire and the extreme formality of many rituals. This uniformity goes hand in hand with manners; respect everything and everyone. When a cultural taboo is stumbled upon apologize for your mistake. If it wasn’t your mistake apologize for the awkward occurrence (because it was embarrassing to all parties involved). The Japanese has learned to absorb foreign culture at and alarming rate yet they have been very resolute in regards to their ethos. Baseball enthusiasm, McDonalds (Macadonarudo), and even the left-to-right reading style have all invaded Japan, yet it’s no wonder the road rage habits of America have not carried over. Rather, road rage has been lost in translation.

Japanese students exemplifying their obedience

In America, the car horn has many meanings and can be “read” as a word or phrase. As well as “danger” a beep can mean, “Go ahead/You first”. It can mean, “Pay attention” as a polite way to notify a driver of a light that has changed to green. Sometimes a double beep can be a simple “Hello” to an acquaintance or roadside promoter. The horn conveys emotion with the increased intensity of the honk. Rapid honks can celebrate a sports team or your wedding day. The honk has many positive and useful usages but Americans are better known for their notorious negative honks. There is “Get out of my way”, “Speed up”, “You are driving dangerously”, “Don’t cross in front of me”, “Go, (traffic,) I’m late!” etc. The more aggressive of these honks is coupled with, or followed by, an angry shout, a graphic or tasteless gesture, and expletives including sexist, racist, and ethnocentric insults. Negative horn honks represent curse words and sometimes even result in a physical altercation. I’ve personally had a man pound the hood of my car when I wouldn’t let him merge illegally (he drove on the side strip far beyond the merging point to avoid traffic).

Comparing this knowledge to what I have experienced in Japan is almost embarrassing for me noting that Japanese even bow while seated in their cars. In Japan, the automobile horn is used only to indicate danger. I have heard only one beep in my two months in Japan. In my scooter “Rules of the Road” course and examination it was pounded into my head to not only be extremely careful but to be extremely courteous a d thoughtful of other drivers. It’s not surprising that this respect and civility mirrors their language. I am still finding new ways and situations to say, “I’m sorry”. It seems the Japanese also express gratitude through apologies. “I’m sorry for leaving work before you” is an common expression often coupled with “Thank you for your hard work”.

"Harmony" - the crux of Japanese society

Japanese society is full of modesty and appreciation to the extent that the more respectful one is, the more he/she considers their thoughts and comments to be an interruption. I often hear “Excuse me but…” when something is said in the morning meeting of my schools and the often important comment is ended with “Excuse me” or “Sorry” and “Thank you (for listening)”. These ending apology is anything but negligible: “Gomennasai, arigatou gozaimashita” followed by a standing or seated bow. Also, a student has to say, “I am being rude” when entering the teacher’s room and “I was rude” when leaving. Apologies go hand in hand with gratitude much more so than in Western culture. Respectful phrases are many in Japan and are a key facet to the mutual respect and “We” society ubiquitous in the Japanese ethos.

The communicative systems of the automobile horn in America and Japan can be closely compared to each culture’s respective curse words. American language is full of curse words. These words vary from talking-to-yourself utterances to crude, sexually explicitly and outright disgusting language. America is an “I-first” society where capitalism, Darwinism, and showing your emotions are prevalent. It is a show of strong character to stick up for oneself and this sometimes means angrily cursing (and fighting, to a lesser extent). In a strong contrast, the Japanese are pacifists and see outbursts as a loss of face. Japanese language doesn’t have many “swear words” or dirty words. Rather, there are many words of varying rudeness in varying contexts and are correspondingly censored from television. These “curses” are often words or phrases like “Shut up”, “Idiot”, and other common putdowns. I suggest even actions are considered “curses” and are often situational (e.g. interrupting your boss in front of a board meeting). Interesting are the comparatively large selection of words that denigrate one’s ethnicity or lineage. It is dishonorable to be a foreigner, a person of mixed ethnicity, or to have a “dirty” job (remember, it’s bad to be different).

Japanese curse words aren’t used nearly as frequent or as fervent as in America much like the automobile horn. Japan is a well-oiled machine of social interactions and nuances. To showcase your temper and honk in anger would be to throw a wrench in the spokes of the ever-present machine. Japan smooth relations and community feel are written into the country’s ethos. If the countries in this world where the characters in Moby Dick, Japan would be the composed and introspective Ishmael whereas America would be the theatrical and impulsive Ahab. The greedy, dog-eat-dog ethos of America and capitalism is displayed on the road. How many times have you glared into the car of an aggressive or idiotic driver to find a businessman or woman deep in a conversation on their cell phone? If you’re answer is zero then you are either foreign, haven’t driven on an interstate road or are, in fact, the cell phone user. In America, one’s actions are controlled by consequences and aren’t necessarily tied to a national code. One can have and display road rage but will only have to answer to authorities if caught or reported. Anonymity, the occasional absence of accountability and maybe the increasing absence of moral education make this possible. In summation, the Japanese beep is supportive and advantageous whereas the American honk is often a curse word.